


Zoom and Enhance? Not A Chance

by Nehszriah



Series: The Thick of UNIT [8]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005), The Thick of It (TV)
Genre: (don't answer that please), F/M, Prompt Fic, and making the poor Scarfys squirm, because who doesn't love Matchmaker Glenn?, just a bunch of exposition, makes mention of Malcolm's dreaded failed marriage, right up there with Matchmaker Glenn, the best Glenn is Grunkle Glenn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-21
Updated: 2016-01-21
Packaged: 2018-05-15 06:30:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5775211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nehszriah/pseuds/Nehszriah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Left Scarfy and Right Scarfy are worried for the Brigadier-Director's well-being and they go to the one who knows her potential bad influence the best: Glenn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Zoom and Enhance? Not A Chance

**Author's Note:**

> This came from a tumblr prompt for Glenn being Glennish and to have the Osgoods in there. Hopefully I did it justice.

Glenn Cullen knew that he was in the happy days of his life. Sure he was divorced and living alone and had over thirty-five years of his professional life down the shitter with not even so much of a “thank you” or anything of the sodding sort, but things were treating him increasingly well for a man on his second career so late in life and not entirely much else to him. It wasn’t exactly where he imagined himself ten, even five, years prior, but it worked.

He flashed his badge to the guard at the main entrance and walked into Mainframe UK. Working for UNIT was interesting, especially when it meant that he was one of the few that was not in danger of having their mind wiped, ever. He’d heard of UNIT back in his government aide days, knowing it as a shadowy sort of organization that more or less seemed like it was merely an odd-tasked security squadron, but now he knew it better than that. There were some parts that were still the gritty, militaristic components that came with being part of the United Nations’ armed forces, but there were also shiny things, new things, scientific things that made him finally interested in how the world was turning, instead of how he was going to mop things up before Malcolm Tucker caught a whiff.

Tucker, yes—the very man he recommended springing from low-security prison a couple decades before schedule in order to work at the Mainframe in place of the old, worn out Public Relations head. As he went through the atrium he glanced up to the offices. Malcolm’s was empty, but he could see the man on the floor above, hunched over by the Brigadier Director’s desk as if he was talking to her. Glenn stopped to itch his calf and watched as the two went further into the office, to where no one could see them thanks to the angle. It was definitely clear to him they were going to the couch (or the wall) for a snog, but that wasn’t for him to say. He just continued along, making his way towards the lift that took him further underground and to his own staff of specialized IT workers and computer engineers.

A quick check with the midnights leader proved that things had been going smoothly since he left. That was always good when he came to work with a clean slate—something that rarely happened in the past and he relished in during the present. They were scheduled to launch a new patch to some software or another that afternoon… they were always doing something of the sort. Yes, he was the head of the department, but no, that didn’t mean he was particularly good at keeping track of _everything_. He trusted his subordinates enough to only inform him of the big stuff, the shit that he needed to keep tabs on or else, and that was fine. Micromanaging was the downfall of the artuer, after all, and Mainframe UK was not a movie about ‘Nam. Trust was key here, and there was definitely a lot of it to go around, amazingly enough.

It was about mid-morning when the Osgoods walked into his office, which immediately sent up red flags. If the R&D part of the science division wanted something from him, they usually sent an intern, or _one_ Osgood if it was on her way towards something else. Both Osgoods though? It was unprecedented.

“So, to what do I owe the pleasure of the Doublemint Twins?” he asked, standing up as they came in. “Tea?”

“Yes please,” they said together. He put the kettle on and dug a tin of biscuits out of a filing cabinet, offering them to the Osgoods, which were accepted graciously. Once tea was made and there were three steaming mugs before them, Glenn sat back down.

“Right then; what’s on your mind?” he wondered.

“We are concerned for Director Stewart,” Left Osgood said.

“She has been spending an awful lot of time with Mister Tucker,” Right Osgood added.

“We decided to come to you…”

“…since you are the one who…”

“…knows him…”

“…best in the building.”

“You do know that one of you is allowed to finish a sentence, right?” he chuckled. They both blushed.

“Do you know if Brigadier Director Stewart is alright spending all her spare time with Mister Tucker?” Right Osgood asked.

“Are you scared he’s spending time with a bad influence?”

“Yes,” the Osgoods nodded.

“Well, don’t worry,” Glenn assured. “If anything, Malcolm is with a good influence. I worked with and around Tucker for many years, and he’s been behaving in a particular manner when it comes to Director Stewart that I haven’t seen since before the turn of the century.”

The Osgoods both quirked an eyebrow, tilting their heads simultaneously.

“What’s that?” Left Osgood asked, puzzled.

“Don’t tell him I told you two this, but he did used to be married,” he explained solemnly. “Couple years, was in a long-term relationship with her before that. The fallout wasn’t pretty, but before that…”

“What does that have to do…”

“…with Director Stewart?”

“It has _everything_ to do with Director Stewart. Have you noticed how close they stand? How they look when they whisper in one another’s ears? They’re an item, no doubt about it.”

“Are you _sure_?” Left Osgood asked.

“I’m positive,” Glenn replied. He put his mug down and rolled his chair over towards a computer module, tapping a couple buttons before rolling back towards his desk. Clearing off his laptop and some papers, he pressed a button on the side of the desk and a holographic projection of a security still of the Public Relations Head’s office. The grainy image contained a suspicious-looking lump on the couch, which the Osgoods leaned forward and squinted at.

“What is that?”

“Can you magnify and enhance?”

“No, no… can’t enhance things that aren’t there like at the cinema,” he smirked. “That’s Director Stewart there on the couch, see?” He poked his finger through the holograph, outlining their boss. “Now where is Mister Tucker?”

The Osgoods took a moment, but the instant they realized that the rest of the lump was Mister Tucker they scrunched their noses and leaned back in their chairs, attempting to distance themselves from the image.

“That’s not…”

“…right at all.”

“Right or not, it’s happening, though it’s not our place to talk about it,” Glenn shrugged. “I only told you because you asked, and I only know because I have prior knowledge to Tucker’s mannerisms. There’s no mistaking a post-shag Malcolm if you know what to look for.”

“Gross,” both Osgoods grimaced. Glenn scoffed in reply.

“Have you two heard the rumors going on about you?” he asked. The silence he was met with confirmed his suspicions. “If you’d rather, I’ve got a single young man I know down at the pub who just came back from Afghanistan and is getting teaching certificates—maybe one of you can come for Trivia Night?”

“No thank you,” they both said at once. “We should get going.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” With that they left the office as quickly as they could, trying not to think about having recently sat on the couches in Tucker and Stewart’s offices. All Glenn could do was laugh hysterically, glad that he had found a way to protect himself and scramble the security feeds when the two people in-question met on-camera. It saved him, the head of security, probably even Stewart and Tucker themselves… and they never even knew it.


End file.
